About an hour ago, it was four weeks to the second since she left me.

I know it wasn't a good relationship and I know she's much happier without me. But that doesn't take away how sad it makes me to know that I can never hold her hand again. Ever.

I don't know why that's the part I'm focusing on, but it's the one I can't seem to get over. I really wish there was a pill I could take that would just make this better.

I sent off the form last week, and got a call yesterday so they could take my credit card number for payment. I'm approved, I just have to fax them the form so I can buy travel insurance. I'm going to Ireland!! I'm really excited. :D

Update: I now have all my paperwork, and insurance has been purchased. I also booked my flight, yay!!

I got some really nice new glasses on Thursday, and they make me look really good. In fact I was just in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I thought I actually looked pretty.

Also, I've been doing at least a hundred stairs a day (it's 20 steps from my apartment to ground level so that one's pretty simple, just up and down five times) and I can feel my legs getting a little firmer. I'm not anywhere close to what I want to look like yet but I'm trying.

I went out last week with my friend Al to a little bar in the city center, and on Tuesday or Wednesday I'm gonna go on a bus tour with a few other people. I also agreed to have coffee with a friend on Myspace if she ever gets back to me, and I'm gonna go see PJ Harvey (hopefully with Al) in early March. I'm gonna mark this as a task in progress for right now but I'm pretty proud of myself so far.

I'm really trying. I've been forcing myself to come out of my room and hang out with my roomies in the kitchen most days, and I've had dinner with them a few times. I went out for drinks with Al and I was scared to death of that before. I've signed up for a tour with a few other people and I'm going to a pub meet for the people on the BUNAC visa. I've gone to a uni here and took a short campus tour and met with a lady about hosting exams.

It's hard but once I actually get out of the house I'm usually fine.

1. A VERY modified Angel-hair Pasta with Thai Spiced Prawns.
First of all, I couldn't find angel hair pasta so I bought some egg fried rice instead. I also used green curry paste instead of red, and I didn't put tomatoes in the sauce because that's gross. I also didn't use the wine it called for because I'm not supposed to have any alcohol. But it turned out absolutely AWESOME, probably thanks to the lime juice. I am definitely making this one again.



2. Simple Chimichangas.
All I really did was heat some oil in a pan, get a tortilla and put cheese, bell peppers and chuncks of chicken inside, fold the tortilla so the stuff wouldn't fall out, and I fried it in the oil until it was crispy all over. These taste good and are more than easy so I'll be making them again a lot, I think.

I decided to go ahead and post here. Blog addict much? Oh well, at least it isn't crack. Then I'd have an issue.  Not that I don't already, but...yeah.

I basically just wanted to say that cutting my hair was probably the best thing I've done in a long time. I keep getting compliments on it, and when I tell people I cut it myself they're like "no way...whaaaaa?" I honestly didn't think it was THAT good, but apparently people like it. Even my family likes it, and that's pretty much unheard of. They're mostly old, so they seem to share the opinion that girls should have long hair. Still, this Sunday I went down there and they all said it looks much better this way than when I tie it back. My great granny even said it was "becoming." I'm a little shocked, but glad.

In other news, I tried to go to school today, and got there okay. When I got to my classroom for my exam though, I started panicking and hyperventilating. My professor saw me and assured me that it was okay, and that since I'd missed the review session I can take the exam when I'm feeling better. I came home and crashed, and I'm feeling a little better. i was able to go talk to my friend at the gas station without freaking out, and I walked to the store and talked to people, so I think I might be getting over the hump. Maybe I just needed to go face it and freak out before I started feeling like myself a little.

That's basically it. It's getting warm out, and it smells like springtime.

I apologize to anybody who reads this thing, because I haven't been updating it like I should. Instead, I've moved to: http://mutedtempest.insanejournal.com

Mostly because of the whole censorship thing. My government does this already, so...yeah. I'm not really too upset about it, I just don't agree.

I moved my list over there too, although I should probably update that here too when I get a chance. If anybody cares, which I'm guessing few if any do. Still, I felt like I should say something on the off-chance anyone was even slightly curious.

I'm sure I'll still update this every now and then, but it was getting whiny as hell anyway, so meh.

I feel like I'm floating. Or swimming, whatever. Which I suppose would make sense, given the events of the past 24 hours.

Yesterday started out sort of all right. I woke up from a night seizure at 2am, but that's nothing unusual. At around 9am I went to the post office to send a package to New Mexico, and then I took a walk down by the river. I don't remember anything after this until about 11 this morning, but here's what I've pieced together:

My gran said she heard what sounded like someone pounding on her ceiling at about 12:30 yesterday afternoon. This was actually me having a seizure, and the pounding was my head on the floor, lol. She came upstairs and tried to get me to drink orange juice, but I choked on it since I was unconscious. She finally decided to call 911 after about 15 minutes of me still pounding my head, and by the time the ambulance got there the back of my head was pretty much a big bloody mess.

When the poor paramedic tried to get me into a neck brace, I attacked him, according to the ER doctor and my gran. I ended up bashing his head against the wall. I feel awful about this, but I didn't know I was doing it. By the time I came to a little he was gone, so I never got to apologize. They finally managed to start a line for glucose and got me down the stairs and into the rig, and by the accounts of the ER doc I was screaming bloody murder all the way to the ER. Once there, they cut me out of my bloody clothes and sent me for a bunch of head scans. Luckily, it was only a mild concussion, but my head feels like a huge anvil now anyway.

I have no idea what went on after the head scans, but I woke up in restraints because apparently I tried to attack anyone who got close enough to try and remove my neck brace. Anyway, my sugar levels spiked a bottomed out a bunch of times through the night, and they were pretty worried for awhile until they got ahold of the endocrinologist.

He was livid when he came in to talk to me. Apparently, the doctors at the free clinic I go to have had me on the wrong type of insulin for the past four years, which is why I've had so much trouble getting regulated. The insulin that was causing all the problems is one given to treat Type II diabetics. I'm a Type I. No wonder I was all fucked up, huh? I'm lucky I'm alive. In fact, I'm kinda surprised that I am. According to to endocrinologist, I probably sustained a ton of liver and kidney damage over the past 4 years. They did tests on both (which I don't remember) and the results are supposed to be in this week.

Anyway, I'm on house arrest for the next week. I'm not allowed to exercise and I have to eat three square meals and three good snacks a day, no exceptions. That's really tough for me, my stomach shrank and I'm not hungry. But yeah, I'm on the actual correct type of insulin now, and this is the initial adjustment period for my body to acclimate to it. It's weird, I've been constantly warm the past few years, and all day I've been fucking freezing. I guess that means it's working though. Nice, eh? Fucking shit.

In short, I feel like ass. And I'm really scared I'm gonna lose my toe. It's been numb for a long time, and they said it's gonna be gangrenous soon. I really don't want to start amputations this early in life. Then again, I'm terrified I already killed my liver. And I don't even drink! How's that for good behavior??

I fucking hate America.

I haven't had a drink in almost four years. I can I guess, but not much since my blood sugar goes so low when I have alcohol. But I'm really pissed off and upset right now and I want to go to sleep, but I won't be able to. And I don't have any weed, and that's what works to make me fall asleep. I just want to get drunk for some reason. All I really want to do right now is just go buy a fifth of whiskey and some really good lager, such as:

Okay, so I went to lunch with my grandpa, and he got on my case again about school. he says that since I've been in it for six years now and don't have a degree I just need to quit and get a steady job. He refuses to hear me when I tell him that to get anywhere in the world these days, I'm going to need a degree. Yeah, I can write, but I'm not Jenny. I can't become a millionaire author right away, it takes years of stories that barely sell. But he tells me that there are plenty of people without degrees that have good jobs. I replied that the great majority of these people, if they've entered the workforce recently without any degree or training, are most likely barely making ends meet. And he also says that if i were to pay for training, such as, say...a pharmacy tech or whatever, I shouldn't pay for it because "you shouldn't have to pay to get a job. they should pay you." It just doesn't make any sense to say that in today's world, and he refuses to even consider this.

Okay, so I just made that long emo post about being alone. That doesn't mean I don't believe in love, however. Just...not with me being on the receiving end of it, lol. One of the tasks on my 101 in 1001 list was to start believing in love again, and although I already completed the task, if I hadn't this would do it.

I just discovered  returntoromance's journal through the spotlight on here. He's walking over 1200 miles to Rome in memory of his wife Anne, who passed away in 2005 at the age of 48. The money he raises will be donated to the charities that she supported. They'd have celebrated their 30th anniversary in Rome in 2006.

It really makes something in me hurt (in a good way) to know that love that deep is real.

If you want to donate to his cause, look at his userinfo.

Okay, so I've been having mild panic attacks most of the night, and it's really fucking stupid. And I'm pissed off so I don't really give a shit. Anyway, DD is reading my fanfic and all I want to do is delete everything I ever wrote. It's fucking stupid. But I'm just positive she's gonna read it and look down on me, even if she doesn't say it. And I hate it because I'm always so surprised she talks to me at all, and I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of retard. Which I am, but whatever. I don't give a fuck. I just hate it because she's so fucking super genius and I'm an idiot and I don't want her to look down on me more than she probably already does. And DD I know you're reading this and I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.

It's so stupid. Like, Liberalista reads my stuff, and she always says it's amazing. She's another one of those people who's smarter than I could ever dream of being, and I think she's on crack, but she keeps saying it. And it makes me feel weird, but never panicky. Maybe it's because I'm closer with DD, but I've never even considered deleting my stuff before now.

What the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain? I want out of here. But more than that I want to delete every trace of everything I've ever written so nobody can think I'm more stupid than they already do. I mean, I've been sitting here going back and forth between the site and my bed for the past three hours, and every time I get really close to deleting.

I am so tired. I can't remember ever feeling this tired in my whole life, which is dumb. But nevertheless.

I tried to sleep earlier and had a constant stream of nightmares. But there was also a good dream in there. I was somehow in ancient Greece with DD and we were just walking around talking. Not even about anything important, we just talked. The awesome thing is that she was speaking Swedish the whole time, and I had no problem understanding her. That was pretty awesome, although the Greeks were giving her funny looks. They gave me funny looks too because I was speaking English and lapsing into Latin every now and then. But we just thought it was funny. Then some Greek kids in togas were on skateboards. I don't know what the hell that's about, but we both just kinda went along as if it was nothing out of the ordinary.

One thing that I really noticed about the dream was that there was sunlight. Lots of it. That's really rare in my dreams, they're always either at night or very very dim with a greenish cast. This one was bright and sunny and pretty and I don't know why, but it totally goes down in the books as one of my best dreams ever. I was calm and not nervous at all, and people knew about my books because they kept stopping me to talk about them. I think DD was bored by that but she stuck around anyway.

It was weird. I felt safe and I never ever feel that way. I woke up and wanted to go right back to sleep. I'm still completely exhausted, lol. But from some of the things she told me in the dream, things are gonna work out in the near future. I haven't had a future-dream for quite awhile, and this wasn't really one since usually they're what happens later...and unless we're in some sort of alternate universe or something I highly doubt that she and I will ever walk through the ruins in Greece before they were ruins. Still, it FELT like a future dream. When she told me stuff I knew it was true. I'm making no sense, but nobody cares.

Whatever. I want to go camping. And possibly hug/marry Shane McCutcheon. That is all.

I tried to take a nap awhile ago before watching the latest L Word episode (which was fucking adorable and I'm now officially in love with Shane lol) but it didn't quite work out. I only gt an hour or so of sleep before I got woken up the same way I usually do: a nightmare.

I've been having pretty much the same nightmare for years now. The setting changes at times, but it's generally the same premise. I'm stuck in a house, or an apartment, or SOMETHING, and I'm never allowed to leave. I still live with my dad and stepmom in the dreams, and no matter where it happens to be, their actual house, the house I live in now, or some new one we've somehow moved into, I'm always told that it's against the law for me to live away from them. I'm always in my 20's in the dreams, so it doesn't really make any sense, but that's always what happens.

So I'm always unable to leave. Now, these dreams aren't scary or anything, in the sense of like monsters or whatever. But I always wake up feeling really cold and short of breath, with a really bad feeling in my stomach. I feel afraid, and I don't really know why as there's no immediate danger in the dreams. 99% of the time my dad never even says anything mean to me. I just have to live with him, and I've never managed to get away while still in the dream.

Sometimes, it's not even about me wanting to get away. Sometimes I'm just back at my parents' house, doing random things. I talk to my dad and my brothers and sometimes even my stepmom, and nothing bad happens. But there's this feeling of dread that I can never, ever shake. And when I wake up from one of them, I still can't shake that feeling, and it makes it completely impossible to go back to sleep.

The other one is watching my mother die. She's a skeleton and I watch her choke on...something. I don't know. Her own tongue? These aren't nearly as common but they do happen every now and then.

So, I usually stay up as long as I possibly can. I always try to exhaust myself so that when I sleep it'll just be dark, no dreams. Rarely happens. But I try. So I'll sit up on the computer for days at a fucking time. The past few days I've been doing this and haven't been able to write a single goddamn line!!! I'm fucking useless. But at least this way I can watch Six Feet Under and the L Word and not have nightmares.

I know it's likely because I still havent gotten over what happened in the past. I dont know if I'll ever be free of the nightmares.

Seriously. I'm writing two novels simultaneously. One of them will be 40 chapters, and the other is currently at Chapter 63. Each chapter is around ten pages long. And I'm exhausted by it.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. The 63-chapter story is just a labor of love. I keep thinking I should just quit, and then I'll have people leave me comments begging me not to. I'm probably being really self-gratifying, but that makes me feel like I need to keep doing it. And the great majority of the time, I love doing so. I wouldn't keep doing it if I hated it. I only recently started believing in my writing again somewhat...not completely, but the positive feedback certainly doesn't hurt. And I'd feel bad giving it up after so long. It's become a fixture in my life and I think I'd really feel lost without it.

The other story is the one for which I have a private contract. Since I'm being compensated, I'm trying to do the best I can with it. I think the general storyline kinda sucks, so I'm basically fucking it up and making it more of a Shenny story, lol. It's fun, although with it being set 40 years in the future they're both close to 70. That's really hard to write, but I'm trying! Thankfully a lot of it is flashbacks.

Anyway, I think I might have put too much pressure on myself by agreeing to do both at once. I love both of them since they're my creations and I'm an egotistical bitch, but I think trying to turn out over 40 pages per week is wearing on me. When I started I thought writing two complicated stories would be easy...it's not. And I feel like I'm being lazy and a failure if I go a week and only post one chapter per story.

I've come to realize that this is a little fucked up. Yeah, I'm a writer, great...but it usually takes novelists YEARS to finish something, and here I am trying to finish two at once in a fucking 3-month span. I love what I do and I'd be lost without it, but i need to take a break. And not a break where I just don't write...I've tried that, and it makes me feel guilty. So, I'm leaving town next week, and I'm not taking my computer. If I do, even if I just get on to talk to people or whatever, I know Word's on it. And I don't want to feel bad about taking some time away from the entire thing. I think it might do me good.

Is it weird that I have an obsession with vacuuming? Because I totally do. I vacuum all the time. Seriously, almost every single day. Maybe it's because the carpet in my office/living room is indoor/outdoor, so it's dark and really thin. You can see everything! Also, I bought some of that powder room deodorizer stuff that you have to vacuum up, so I just did that. Now my house smells like the rain, lol. At least the rain that Glade says smells like rain. I'm not making any sense at all.

I also cleaned every bit of glass in the entire house, and dusted and put in new air fresheners. Then I swept up all the plaster crap that's falling from the wall in front of the leaky chimney. I cleaned the stove, the microwave, the fridge, and everything in the bathroom. I even cleaned all my computer stuffs, including my external drive. I like, POLISHED it, lol. I need a new monitor, this CRT crap one is too heavy for its shelf.

So, yeah. I'm obsessed with cleaning, and what makes it bad is that I have the flu. Every time I caught a whiff of the Lysol, I had to puke. Fun, fun times.

I'm hyper. I guess that's what happens when you crash and sleep for almost 12 hours afterward. I think I have a fever, too. Lol.

I seem to be one of the few people on earth who just cannot imagine ever sleeping with someone while in a relationship with someone else. Now, I realize that there are a lot of people that aren't like this, and that's totally fine. Just because I could never dream of starting something while with someone else doesn't mean that polygamy or open relationships or even no relationships at all are bad.

I guess I just have a problem if someone is cheating or pursuing an open relationship without being honest about it. Now, just because I can never picture myself having an open relationship doesn't mean that I expect the same of my partner. People think I'm weird for saying that, but in all honesty it doesn't bother me. Maybe it's just because I've been cheated on so often, but really, if my partner were to come to me and say they want an open relationship, it's perfectly okay with me. I've had people tell me that that's distorted thinking, that I'd let them "get away" with that while not doing it myself.

But see, the thing is...if a person can't, or doesn't want to be monogamous...why on earth would I try to change that about them? I fall for people based on who they are. Just because I'm very monogamous by nature doesn't mean that I'd ever expect others to be if it goes against their nature. As long as they're honest with me about it, it's fine. I really don;t see that as having anything to do with me having low self-esteem. I just feel that the morals and standards I place on myself can't and shouldn't be forced onto others.

Now, granted, if I had a problem with it to begin with, then no, a relationship shouldn't be pursued afterward. But I think that if there's a mutual understanding from the start, it's cool.

This entire entry probably makes no sense, but meh.

my stupid fucking diabetes.

I'm following my diet and insulin regimen, so why am I still having reactions when I exercise and in the middle of the night?

It's like this stupid disease wants me to remain forever fat, and forever an insomniac. I want some decent health insurance so I can see an endocrinologist and get this figured out!!

The doctors at the free clinic suck. And they're hard to understand. Asscakes.

That is all.