I've been thinking a lot about the apartment I agreed to move into next Monday, and I'm having some serious misgivings. I suppose they were there all along, but having two Swedes say that my concerns are valid has made me rethink the entire situation.

I was told that since I have no personnumber it's impossible for my credit to be checked, and that a deposit must be placed. That's fair and was completely expected. I simply do not understand why the deposit needs to be three months of rent, in advance. According to my landlord, this money will not be used toward rent, but will be held by him until I move out, at which point I'll get it back. He says this is a security measure for him since he can't check my credit. he has made it a point to tell me several different times that this is how things are done in Sweden, which I find to be complete bullshit upon recollection because I've spoken to potential landlords in the past and none have ever required three months' rent in advance. One month, yes, as that seems pretty standard, but three? Plus the first month along with that, making the total 12,000SEK before I can even move in?

What's bothering me is that it seems like a fairly steep amount for a deposit, especially one that will not be used toward the rent at all. I'm no stranger to deposits, but i think this one is unreasonable. I just looked over the rental contract and there is no mention of this deposit amount AT ALL. Nowhere on the contract is a deposit mentioned that I can see (it's in Swedish) and if it is, the amount isn't written down. Anywhere. So basically, I have no legal recourse if he chooses not to give it back to me when I move out. That's quite a bit of money to simply give to someone and trust his word on. He's already stretched the truth a bit by telling me that this is standard procedure in Sweden. From what I'm hearing, it's not. It may be HIS policy, but it's not "how we do things in Sweden."

This man is running his own business and I understand he needs to take safety measures. That's fine with me. I just don't want to be taken advantage of since I'm a foreigner and he feels like he can pass this off as a standard thing because I don't know any better. He seems like a decent guy. I don't know that he wouldn't give me the deposit back, but not having it even mentioned anywhere on the contract is sending up MAJOR red flags. I was also told as an aside that the girl currently renting there wants to switch her cable service into my name. That seems a bit fishy to me. That plus the fact that there would be so many extra expenses with this place are making me seriously reconsider renting there. I might be better served looking for a more short-term thing for now and paying month to month without such a huge deposit right up front. Don't know, but at least I have the hostel until then. Gah. lo

is kinda killing my poor little brain! lol. Not really, I'm just pathetically behind on my word count. So what am I doing? Updating here, of course. I should join Mensa or something. :P

Updates have been lacking recently, mainly because I'm a busy bee. I met a fantastic group of people for nano, and they're quickly becoming a surrogate family. I've never been so social in all my life and I'm very happy that it's not anywhere near as scary as i'd thought it would be. I also got myself a really cool little apartment.

I'm really growing attached to Pite. It's the little town I've always dreamed about living in, and I desperately want to stay. In January I'm going to apply for an extension of stay and prolong my visit as long as I can, I just hate that I have to leave the country for three months when it's over. Better than nothing though, I suppose. Still undecided as to applying to Uppsala next year or just sticking with this program and living here half to thee quarters of the year. Gah. I need to find a job or someone that can put up with me so I can just get an actual residence permit! Haha. Really though, I'm so happy to be here even if i can't stay forever. i can always come back, and that's really nice to know.

is pretty awesome. I like how quaint and peaceful it is here and I really like that a lot of the houses and apartment buildings are painted happy colors. Back home everything is white and grey or some shade of brown, here they're yellow and red and sky blue and I love that. It looks so happy.

I walked around and explored for about an hour today and found the hostel I'll most likely be staying at soon. Then I just sorta wandered and went into some shops, which is a huge thing for me. I think the prescription for that stuff is starting to help. I still get anxious, but at least I was able to go.

I had to go find some lotion for my tattoos because they were peeling all to fuck and hurty, so I went into a mall and found a pharmacy. While I was looking around I noticed a really cute girl with dark hair, glasses and really awesome shoes. After a while she came over by me and looked at the stuff I was looking at, then she said something in Swedish and I kinda stammered that I don't speak it yet. She just laughed and said it was fine, although her English isn't good. Sounded fine to me but I think all Swedes think they suck at it when they don't, I've never met one who thought they were good. Anyway, we joked about how there are eleven different products for every little thing you can possibly think of, and that was about it. I'm preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure she was flirting with me a little bit but I didn't want to risk looking like an r-tard so I didn't ask for her name or number or anything. Maybe one of these days, lol. She was REALLY cute though, damn my inferiority complex. I bought a little thing of unscented lotion, said goodbye to her (in Swedish, and she gave me a thumbs up. lols) and went to find lunch. Which I did. All in all, it was a very good shopping trip and I'm pretty proud of myself right now. I was terrified to go yesterday.

When I got back to the room I got a text about an apartment I've been inquiring about. It's still available, is in a perfect location, is already furnished and electricity and internet are included in the rent. The only problem is that it's 5200SEK a month, which is more than I was hoping to spend. Not that I can't afford it, I'd just have to be VERY careful with my remaining money for a few months. I can still afford to get some clothes and a winter coat, which I really need, but other than that I've gotta watch it with food and whatnot. Meh, I should just go ahead and take it, I know that. I hate being such a cheapskate sometimes...with my luck I'd be living in the hostel for 6 months waiting for everything I described above, just cheaper. Sigh. lol. I'm supposed to meet my potential landlord at noon tomorrow so I can take a look, although she sent me pictures and it's not like I'm picky anyway. After living in hostels and on the street I'm more than happy with a roof over my head.

It's 2pm and I've done more today than I have in the past three weeks. haha

Now that I've experienced what straight people go through, I'm quite ready to declare myself lesbian. Okay, maybe not, but Jesus Christ. I'm sure he's a great guy, but...no. Definitely NOT for me.

We'd planned to meet up and grab lunch. No problems with that at all, I thought. We both took the bus down to a shopping center at which there are several restaurants. Upon meeting him, he barely said hello before launching into a monologue about the anti-diarrhea medication he'd just purchased, and wondered if he could find it any cheaper at the dollar store next door. At his insistence I waited for him to go check, and he returned to tell me that yes, the dollar store had it for an entire $1.68 cheaper, but that he was disappointed as he'd already opened the package he had and thus couldn't get a refund on it.

I told him that I had no restaurant preference whatsoever, since I'm really not picky with food. He then immediately told me that he can't eat anything fried because it gives him the runs. Lovely, I thought. I suggested Applebee's since it has grilled items, and he agreed. Now, he'd told me beforehand that he has Chron's disease and I completely understand and sympathize with him, and had no objections to his diet requirements. I can't anyway, lol.

Still, from the second we sat down, at a table in a nice restaurant mind you, he did nothing but tell me all about his symptoms. I have a strong stomach, but suffice it to say that his bowel disorder and related symptoms didn't really make for good pre-meal conversation. The waitress came to take our orders and he proceeded to tell her all about his disease as well, requesting substitutes for everything on the menu. Now I know it's something he has to do, but he could have made the requests without telling the poor waitress about the possible symptoms related to every item.

Once our food arrived, I got a bit of a reprieve since we were both focused on the food. In the middle, though, he began to tell me about losing his car and his license, for reasons he did not make clear, and that he couldn't afford to get his car out of impound so he was stuck taking the bus. Then he made some comments about illegal Mexicans and other racist remarks. When the meal was over, he griped about how long it was taking the waitress to return with the check, although it had been maybe five minutes tops since we'd finished eating. He got so upset by the short wait that he demanded another waitress check on it for us. I wanted to die of embarrassment. When I left the tip, he said I was leaving way too much and I replied that I used to be a waitress and always tip well, it's just something I feel strongly about. Besides, I paid for the whole thing, so I don't really know why he felt he had a say in how much I left.

Upon leaving the restaurant, he said he wasn't feeling well and needed to run on ahead to use Walmart's bathroom. I shrugged and told him to go ahead, and sat down to wait for him. Half an hour later he emerged to tell me that he had gotten a refund on his anti-diarrhea medicine from before and was going to go buy it at the dollar store instead. I shrugged again, and had to stop myself from laughing when he came back jubilant about saving less than two dollars.

While waiting for the bus, he proceeded to ask me if I'm even able to drive, and if my license is "American" or not. He seemed shocked when I told him that yes, it is, since you need to be a citizen of anywhere you obtain a license. He told me that he hadn't known you needed to be an Illinois citizen to get an Illinois license. The mystery of the car impounding suddenly became much more clear. He then went on to make some very stupid comments about Europeans that made no sense whatsoever. One of these was "so what do Europeans think about us (Americans)?" How the hell am I supposed to answer that? Everyone is different. He didn't seem to comprehend this and told me that he thought all Europeans thought alike. Uhhhhhhhh...

From there we went to the grocery store. The entire ride over, he kept asking me dumb shit about cell phones and which ones he should look at. Then he proceeded to sit there and laugh at his text messages or something for about ten miles. We went to the store, where despite his supposed money issues (remember the $1.68 he was so happy to save?) he bought several expensive fish and steak items. By the time he was done shopping, I was ready to just go home, so I said goodbye. He made a move as if he wanted to kiss me, but I'd turned around before he was able to. Thank God. Now he wants to meet me at the mall soon, for another date.

I feel as if I'm being overly mean here, but he kinda made my skin crawl. Almost like if I hadn't met him in daylight at a public place, he's have given no second thought to raping me repeatedly or something. Of course i don't know if that's true but that's the vibe I was getting from him, and the leers he sent me when he thought I wasn't looking? Just creepy.


Ugh! lol

I sent off the form last week, and got a call yesterday so they could take my credit card number for payment. I'm approved, I just have to fax them the form so I can buy travel insurance. I'm going to Ireland!! I'm really excited. :D

Update: I now have all my paperwork, and insurance has been purchased. I also booked my flight, yay!!

I got some really nice new glasses on Thursday, and they make me look really good. In fact I was just in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I thought I actually looked pretty.

Also, I've been doing at least a hundred stairs a day (it's 20 steps from my apartment to ground level so that one's pretty simple, just up and down five times) and I can feel my legs getting a little firmer. I'm not anywhere close to what I want to look like yet but I'm trying.

I went out last week with my friend Al to a little bar in the city center, and on Tuesday or Wednesday I'm gonna go on a bus tour with a few other people. I also agreed to have coffee with a friend on Myspace if she ever gets back to me, and I'm gonna go see PJ Harvey (hopefully with Al) in early March. I'm gonna mark this as a task in progress for right now but I'm pretty proud of myself so far.

I'm really trying. I've been forcing myself to come out of my room and hang out with my roomies in the kitchen most days, and I've had dinner with them a few times. I went out for drinks with Al and I was scared to death of that before. I've signed up for a tour with a few other people and I'm going to a pub meet for the people on the BUNAC visa. I've gone to a uni here and took a short campus tour and met with a lady about hosting exams.

It's hard but once I actually get out of the house I'm usually fine.

1. A VERY modified Angel-hair Pasta with Thai Spiced Prawns.
First of all, I couldn't find angel hair pasta so I bought some egg fried rice instead. I also used green curry paste instead of red, and I didn't put tomatoes in the sauce because that's gross. I also didn't use the wine it called for because I'm not supposed to have any alcohol. But it turned out absolutely AWESOME, probably thanks to the lime juice. I am definitely making this one again.



2. Simple Chimichangas.
All I really did was heat some oil in a pan, get a tortilla and put cheese, bell peppers and chuncks of chicken inside, fold the tortilla so the stuff wouldn't fall out, and I fried it in the oil until it was crispy all over. These taste good and are more than easy so I'll be making them again a lot, I think.

I decided to go ahead and post here. Blog addict much? Oh well, at least it isn't crack. Then I'd have an issue.  Not that I don't already, but...yeah.

I basically just wanted to say that cutting my hair was probably the best thing I've done in a long time. I keep getting compliments on it, and when I tell people I cut it myself they're like "no way...whaaaaa?" I honestly didn't think it was THAT good, but apparently people like it. Even my family likes it, and that's pretty much unheard of. They're mostly old, so they seem to share the opinion that girls should have long hair. Still, this Sunday I went down there and they all said it looks much better this way than when I tie it back. My great granny even said it was "becoming." I'm a little shocked, but glad.

In other news, I tried to go to school today, and got there okay. When I got to my classroom for my exam though, I started panicking and hyperventilating. My professor saw me and assured me that it was okay, and that since I'd missed the review session I can take the exam when I'm feeling better. I came home and crashed, and I'm feeling a little better. i was able to go talk to my friend at the gas station without freaking out, and I walked to the store and talked to people, so I think I might be getting over the hump. Maybe I just needed to go face it and freak out before I started feeling like myself a little.

That's basically it. It's getting warm out, and it smells like springtime.

I apologize to anybody who reads this thing, because I haven't been updating it like I should. Instead, I've moved to: http://mutedtempest.insanejournal.com

Mostly because of the whole censorship thing. My government does this already, so...yeah. I'm not really too upset about it, I just don't agree.

I moved my list over there too, although I should probably update that here too when I get a chance. If anybody cares, which I'm guessing few if any do. Still, I felt like I should say something on the off-chance anyone was even slightly curious.

I'm sure I'll still update this every now and then, but it was getting whiny as hell anyway, so meh.

I feel like I'm floating. Or swimming, whatever. Which I suppose would make sense, given the events of the past 24 hours.

Yesterday started out sort of all right. I woke up from a night seizure at 2am, but that's nothing unusual. At around 9am I went to the post office to send a package to New Mexico, and then I took a walk down by the river. I don't remember anything after this until about 11 this morning, but here's what I've pieced together:

My gran said she heard what sounded like someone pounding on her ceiling at about 12:30 yesterday afternoon. This was actually me having a seizure, and the pounding was my head on the floor, lol. She came upstairs and tried to get me to drink orange juice, but I choked on it since I was unconscious. She finally decided to call 911 after about 15 minutes of me still pounding my head, and by the time the ambulance got there the back of my head was pretty much a big bloody mess.

When the poor paramedic tried to get me into a neck brace, I attacked him, according to the ER doctor and my gran. I ended up bashing his head against the wall. I feel awful about this, but I didn't know I was doing it. By the time I came to a little he was gone, so I never got to apologize. They finally managed to start a line for glucose and got me down the stairs and into the rig, and by the accounts of the ER doc I was screaming bloody murder all the way to the ER. Once there, they cut me out of my bloody clothes and sent me for a bunch of head scans. Luckily, it was only a mild concussion, but my head feels like a huge anvil now anyway.

I have no idea what went on after the head scans, but I woke up in restraints because apparently I tried to attack anyone who got close enough to try and remove my neck brace. Anyway, my sugar levels spiked a bottomed out a bunch of times through the night, and they were pretty worried for awhile until they got ahold of the endocrinologist.

He was livid when he came in to talk to me. Apparently, the doctors at the free clinic I go to have had me on the wrong type of insulin for the past four years, which is why I've had so much trouble getting regulated. The insulin that was causing all the problems is one given to treat Type II diabetics. I'm a Type I. No wonder I was all fucked up, huh? I'm lucky I'm alive. In fact, I'm kinda surprised that I am. According to to endocrinologist, I probably sustained a ton of liver and kidney damage over the past 4 years. They did tests on both (which I don't remember) and the results are supposed to be in this week.

Anyway, I'm on house arrest for the next week. I'm not allowed to exercise and I have to eat three square meals and three good snacks a day, no exceptions. That's really tough for me, my stomach shrank and I'm not hungry. But yeah, I'm on the actual correct type of insulin now, and this is the initial adjustment period for my body to acclimate to it. It's weird, I've been constantly warm the past few years, and all day I've been fucking freezing. I guess that means it's working though. Nice, eh? Fucking shit.

In short, I feel like ass. And I'm really scared I'm gonna lose my toe. It's been numb for a long time, and they said it's gonna be gangrenous soon. I really don't want to start amputations this early in life. Then again, I'm terrified I already killed my liver. And I don't even drink! How's that for good behavior??

I fucking hate America.

I haven't had a drink in almost four years. I can I guess, but not much since my blood sugar goes so low when I have alcohol. But I'm really pissed off and upset right now and I want to go to sleep, but I won't be able to. And I don't have any weed, and that's what works to make me fall asleep. I just want to get drunk for some reason. All I really want to do right now is just go buy a fifth of whiskey and some really good lager, such as:

Okay, so I went to lunch with my grandpa, and he got on my case again about school. he says that since I've been in it for six years now and don't have a degree I just need to quit and get a steady job. He refuses to hear me when I tell him that to get anywhere in the world these days, I'm going to need a degree. Yeah, I can write, but I'm not Jenny. I can't become a millionaire author right away, it takes years of stories that barely sell. But he tells me that there are plenty of people without degrees that have good jobs. I replied that the great majority of these people, if they've entered the workforce recently without any degree or training, are most likely barely making ends meet. And he also says that if i were to pay for training, such as, say...a pharmacy tech or whatever, I shouldn't pay for it because "you shouldn't have to pay to get a job. they should pay you." It just doesn't make any sense to say that in today's world, and he refuses to even consider this.

Okay, so I just made that long emo post about being alone. That doesn't mean I don't believe in love, however. Just...not with me being on the receiving end of it, lol. One of the tasks on my 101 in 1001 list was to start believing in love again, and although I already completed the task, if I hadn't this would do it.

I just discovered  returntoromance's journal through the spotlight on here. He's walking over 1200 miles to Rome in memory of his wife Anne, who passed away in 2005 at the age of 48. The money he raises will be donated to the charities that she supported. They'd have celebrated their 30th anniversary in Rome in 2006.

It really makes something in me hurt (in a good way) to know that love that deep is real.

If you want to donate to his cause, look at his userinfo.

Okay, so I've been having mild panic attacks most of the night, and it's really fucking stupid. And I'm pissed off so I don't really give a shit. Anyway, DD is reading my fanfic and all I want to do is delete everything I ever wrote. It's fucking stupid. But I'm just positive she's gonna read it and look down on me, even if she doesn't say it. And I hate it because I'm always so surprised she talks to me at all, and I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of retard. Which I am, but whatever. I don't give a fuck. I just hate it because she's so fucking super genius and I'm an idiot and I don't want her to look down on me more than she probably already does. And DD I know you're reading this and I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.

It's so stupid. Like, Liberalista reads my stuff, and she always says it's amazing. She's another one of those people who's smarter than I could ever dream of being, and I think she's on crack, but she keeps saying it. And it makes me feel weird, but never panicky. Maybe it's because I'm closer with DD, but I've never even considered deleting my stuff before now.

What the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain? I want out of here. But more than that I want to delete every trace of everything I've ever written so nobody can think I'm more stupid than they already do. I mean, I've been sitting here going back and forth between the site and my bed for the past three hours, and every time I get really close to deleting.

I am so tired. I can't remember ever feeling this tired in my whole life, which is dumb. But nevertheless.

I tried to sleep earlier and had a constant stream of nightmares. But there was also a good dream in there. I was somehow in ancient Greece with DD and we were just walking around talking. Not even about anything important, we just talked. The awesome thing is that she was speaking Swedish the whole time, and I had no problem understanding her. That was pretty awesome, although the Greeks were giving her funny looks. They gave me funny looks too because I was speaking English and lapsing into Latin every now and then. But we just thought it was funny. Then some Greek kids in togas were on skateboards. I don't know what the hell that's about, but we both just kinda went along as if it was nothing out of the ordinary.

One thing that I really noticed about the dream was that there was sunlight. Lots of it. That's really rare in my dreams, they're always either at night or very very dim with a greenish cast. This one was bright and sunny and pretty and I don't know why, but it totally goes down in the books as one of my best dreams ever. I was calm and not nervous at all, and people knew about my books because they kept stopping me to talk about them. I think DD was bored by that but she stuck around anyway.

It was weird. I felt safe and I never ever feel that way. I woke up and wanted to go right back to sleep. I'm still completely exhausted, lol. But from some of the things she told me in the dream, things are gonna work out in the near future. I haven't had a future-dream for quite awhile, and this wasn't really one since usually they're what happens later...and unless we're in some sort of alternate universe or something I highly doubt that she and I will ever walk through the ruins in Greece before they were ruins. Still, it FELT like a future dream. When she told me stuff I knew it was true. I'm making no sense, but nobody cares.

Whatever. I want to go camping. And possibly hug/marry Shane McCutcheon. That is all.

I tried to take a nap awhile ago before watching the latest L Word episode (which was fucking adorable and I'm now officially in love with Shane lol) but it didn't quite work out. I only gt an hour or so of sleep before I got woken up the same way I usually do: a nightmare.

I've been having pretty much the same nightmare for years now. The setting changes at times, but it's generally the same premise. I'm stuck in a house, or an apartment, or SOMETHING, and I'm never allowed to leave. I still live with my dad and stepmom in the dreams, and no matter where it happens to be, their actual house, the house I live in now, or some new one we've somehow moved into, I'm always told that it's against the law for me to live away from them. I'm always in my 20's in the dreams, so it doesn't really make any sense, but that's always what happens.

So I'm always unable to leave. Now, these dreams aren't scary or anything, in the sense of like monsters or whatever. But I always wake up feeling really cold and short of breath, with a really bad feeling in my stomach. I feel afraid, and I don't really know why as there's no immediate danger in the dreams. 99% of the time my dad never even says anything mean to me. I just have to live with him, and I've never managed to get away while still in the dream.

Sometimes, it's not even about me wanting to get away. Sometimes I'm just back at my parents' house, doing random things. I talk to my dad and my brothers and sometimes even my stepmom, and nothing bad happens. But there's this feeling of dread that I can never, ever shake. And when I wake up from one of them, I still can't shake that feeling, and it makes it completely impossible to go back to sleep.

The other one is watching my mother die. She's a skeleton and I watch her choke on...something. I don't know. Her own tongue? These aren't nearly as common but they do happen every now and then.

So, I usually stay up as long as I possibly can. I always try to exhaust myself so that when I sleep it'll just be dark, no dreams. Rarely happens. But I try. So I'll sit up on the computer for days at a fucking time. The past few days I've been doing this and haven't been able to write a single goddamn line!!! I'm fucking useless. But at least this way I can watch Six Feet Under and the L Word and not have nightmares.

I know it's likely because I still havent gotten over what happened in the past. I dont know if I'll ever be free of the nightmares.

Seriously. I'm writing two novels simultaneously. One of them will be 40 chapters, and the other is currently at Chapter 63. Each chapter is around ten pages long. And I'm exhausted by it.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. The 63-chapter story is just a labor of love. I keep thinking I should just quit, and then I'll have people leave me comments begging me not to. I'm probably being really self-gratifying, but that makes me feel like I need to keep doing it. And the great majority of the time, I love doing so. I wouldn't keep doing it if I hated it. I only recently started believing in my writing again somewhat...not completely, but the positive feedback certainly doesn't hurt. And I'd feel bad giving it up after so long. It's become a fixture in my life and I think I'd really feel lost without it.

The other story is the one for which I have a private contract. Since I'm being compensated, I'm trying to do the best I can with it. I think the general storyline kinda sucks, so I'm basically fucking it up and making it more of a Shenny story, lol. It's fun, although with it being set 40 years in the future they're both close to 70. That's really hard to write, but I'm trying! Thankfully a lot of it is flashbacks.

Anyway, I think I might have put too much pressure on myself by agreeing to do both at once. I love both of them since they're my creations and I'm an egotistical bitch, but I think trying to turn out over 40 pages per week is wearing on me. When I started I thought writing two complicated stories would be easy...it's not. And I feel like I'm being lazy and a failure if I go a week and only post one chapter per story.

I've come to realize that this is a little fucked up. Yeah, I'm a writer, great...but it usually takes novelists YEARS to finish something, and here I am trying to finish two at once in a fucking 3-month span. I love what I do and I'd be lost without it, but i need to take a break. And not a break where I just don't write...I've tried that, and it makes me feel guilty. So, I'm leaving town next week, and I'm not taking my computer. If I do, even if I just get on to talk to people or whatever, I know Word's on it. And I don't want to feel bad about taking some time away from the entire thing. I think it might do me good.